*aggressively waits in line*
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Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
How actors in movies eat their food
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️