Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Close call…
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.