Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
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I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
We have a winner.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Google assistant rules
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong