Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
“I wouldn’t.”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?