Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
You Might Also Like
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.