“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
What my back needs
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!