If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.