My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
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Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
i made a craigslist ad !
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.