[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
You Might Also Like
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
“The Perfect Relationship”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way