“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Guys, I found it.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.