My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?