I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
🔦🌙👣
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?