A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
real
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
you stereotypes are all alike
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT