what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
tell em, edith-anne
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Double negatives are never not confusing.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden