If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
HOW DARE YOU
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.