Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
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Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Note to self: always read the final line
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.