Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
S M O L
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.