me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
You Might Also Like
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Last-minute gift idea!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
courtroom exchange of the day
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.