ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
You Might Also Like
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
This kid is going places
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.