hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Saw your ex at the shops
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I’m not proud
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!