Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
me and my fake scenarios
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it