Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers