“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Sharon, call the vet
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
normalize having existential bread
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics