You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
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Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Traveler’s camo
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas