me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush