How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
finally found a reasonable question
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.