PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
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You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Delivering eulogy at o鈥檖ossum鈥檚 funeral: Before I start I鈥檇 like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you鈥檙e also done with the conversation.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 馃槒
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it鈥檚 3 v 1 but if you lose, you鈥檙e eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Hotels are back
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.