A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
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Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?