I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
You Might Also Like
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating