The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
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If you’re testing me, we failed.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
The struggle is real
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
President The Rock Obama
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?