But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Breaking news:
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.