Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
So that’s what we looked like?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
britain’s three elite institutions
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh