Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!