Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
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Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.