It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
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I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Leaving the Barbers like
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
May have had one breakfast too many
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!