*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
You Might Also Like
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops