proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
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No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith