Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
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Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.