Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’d use my best pan on you.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.