Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
and now we wait
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.