[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
dutch so unserious
New comic up. “Ransom”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.