Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Home is where your toilet is.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
6. me as a lawyer
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Confused owl: What?!
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me