Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
It was worth a shot 😂
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
(more comics:
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.