Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
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canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?