Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense