No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket