My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The future is now.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!