My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.