People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
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The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I don’t get marriage