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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Jail
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence